Christmas is a time of year most people are crazily excited about… it often seems the only ones who aren’t are those with family difficulties and those who have suffered a loss. But there’s also a group that tries to stay unseen over Christmas and so gets overlooked:
While often forgotten, people with eating disorders, disordered eating and/or body image issues can really struggle at Christmas.
Food is pushed front and centre not just on December 25th, but in the month leading up to it – mince pies, chocolate and treats flood the office, mulled wine is everywhere, party invites and dinners and drinks keep coming… and then again afterwards right up until New Year. Not to mention all the chocolates that get gifted that lie around for ages into January and February…
And people talk NON STOP about how calories don’t count at Christmas, how they’ll ‘be good’ in January, how much turkey they plan to eat…
There’s so much loaded language around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food (remember: no food is good or bad or intrinsically moral – there are foods that are more and less nutrient dense) and this dialogue is normally pretty constant. At Christmas it can go into overdrive.
If you suffer (or have previously suffered) with EDs, disordered eating or body image issues you will know what a toll Christmas can take on your mental health and how difficult it can be to not only have so much public focus on food, but constant commentary on what you eat (or choose not to eat):
“Go on, it’s Christmas!”
“Have another one, go onnnnn!”
“Don’t you like mince pies?”
“Calories don’t count at Christmas, you can burn it off in the new year!”
“You’re tiny, what are you talking about! Have some!”
“Please finish those off so that I don’t, I’m trying to be good.”
“Oh no, I’m being good now so I can go crazy on Christmas day!”
“Why aren’t you drinking?”
“If you’re not hungry, just have a piece of cake, it’s amazing!”
“It’s nice to see you finally eat something!”
“I’ve never seen you eat that much!”
The list goes on, and on. And what seems innocent on the surface can actually be at best, a bit stressful, and at worst, quite traumatic.
So this is a plea from someone who has been there, stressed, eaten and made her self sick at Christmas – please don’t say the above, or the below.
Please don’t comment on other peoples’ food choices.
Please don’t ask why someone isn’t drinking, or is eating that.
Please don’t comment on how much or little people are eating.
Not at home, not at the office, not to friends or family.
If you are concerned about someone, there’s a serious conversation to be had, but that is very different from “oh you shouldn’t be dieting over Christmas!” or “why aren’t you having any of this…?”
Those comments aren’t productive. They can trigger people, make them anxious and encourage damaging behavior, entrenching already-difficult beliefs and emotions about peoples’ relationships with food and their bodies.
For now, though, just be compassionate, and respect that food is personal. Don’t pile on pressure and stress by constantly referencing it – EDs and disordered eating aren’t always visible, and you never know who’s listening.
People tell you how stressful wedding planning is.
How it has to be ‘perfect’.
How it’s manic, how it’s hard, how maybe you need to hire a planner, how you’ll be surprised how quickly the fun of it wears off… Spoiler, I’ve been with Boy for nearly 14 years, engaged for 2.5 years (I think?!) and planning a wedding for a year – and we’re still loving it!!!
There are tonnes of people who like to give you warnings or advice or sagely tell you the troubles they had, and forecast your impending wedding doom.
Honestly? It is a complete myth that it has to be that way.
Here are my two cents and ramblings on:
enjoying planning, without the stress;
money saving tips and budget friendly ideas; and
what does it all mean anyway?!
There are several things you can do to make sure you have a blast instead of a battle with your wedding (and trust me, we have the world’s most complicated family politics so it’s not like we have the classic nuclear happy family with two parents each and a conventional top table – far from it!) But we’ve not had any drama planning at all, and have loved every second. The most difficult thing has been choosing a piece of music for my aisle walk, and one slight confusion over a shade of navy for suits haha. The rest has been a dream!
Please note, though, that everyone is different, obviously every couple is unique – this is just my two cents, and I get that some cultures have a lot more pressure to invite the whole family or include them (which if you can avoid it, if you’re not from those cultures, I’d suggest avoiding and just doing it YOUR way (as in you as a couple, not you solo!) for maximum happiness!)
1. Stress-free planning
What do you want? Boy & I are very lucky that, having been together for bloody ages, we know each other inside out and can always tell if the other one would like something or not. However, we’ve also had a long time to get to know each other’s general vision for life, and how we like things to be done. This really helps when it comes to planning a wedding. But it doesn’t matter if you haven’t grown up together. It just comes down to knowing each other well, communicating, and not being a selfish wedding hog / bridezilla!
The best thing to do to begin with is chat about your priorities. For example, we felt that food, drink and setting were important to us; a small wedding for family and friends but definitely not a huge thing was key, and certain things (like expensive florists, favours, wedding cake) were things we’d like to skip or not worry about or de-prioritise. We are also both strong atheists so we wanted religion free, guaranteed. We also wanted to remove what we feel are patriarchal traditions or make them our own (so I’m not doing a bouquet toss, I’m being walked down the aisle by both my parents, not given away, and I have guys maids as well as bridesmaids, and will be making a speech at the wedding breakfast as will my maid of honour!)
Figure out what you both want out of the day, and what you’re willing and not willing to spend on.
I guess we were lucky in that we wanted the same thing. If you and your other half disagree, then you really need to get talking and work out how you want to reconcile the differences. The best thing to do with this remember you’re getting married because you want to hang out with and annoy your best friend for the rest of your life, and you bloody love each other. Not to have some party that you planned a specific way. Listen, talk, listen some more, take a deep breath and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Don’t let a disagreement on something wedding-related cause arguments! It’s not worth it. Would you really want your other half to have something they weren’t comfortable with on the day? And would they really want that for you?
My best illustration of this from our planning wasn’t an argument, but we do have different personalities – I love dancing – I grew up doing ballet, tap, modern, jazz, ballroom, salsa, tango… And Boy was totally willing to learn something for a first dance and take lessons to make me happy. But I wouldn’t BE happy knowing how much he hates dancing making him perform like a pony and pay for lessons! I was more than happy to just pick a song together and we can have a 30 second shuffle on the spot before everyone joins us. Simple! Some people asked if I felt like I was missing out, but I really, really don’t – Boy wouldn’t be Boy if he did some choreographed routine and I love him the way he is! If you think I’m missing out, you’re kiiiinda missing the point of the wedding!
Decide you’re going to enjoy the process and don’t act out the story people sell you of wedding stress. It’s a privilege, not a punishment! I regularly like to just daydream about mine, listen to the soundtracks we’ve picked, browse for ideas in Pinterest and magazines and get excited. We talk about it and bounce ideas off each other over Prosecco in the pub. We NEVER plan when we’re stressed. I recommend this strategy because it means you stay happy, grateful, excited and you enjoy the planning process.
Pick your priorities
Remember it’s a celebration with the people who are most important to you; don’t sweat the small stuff and certainly don’t let it cause arguments!
Decide on a vision for the wedding that you’re both happy with (size, budget, location, vibe and theme, religious/non religious, elements that are important to you and elements you’d like to skip or spend less on!)
Enjoy the process! Plan when it feels fun, rather than when it feels like a chore. That’s why I’d recommend, personally, having as much time to plan a wedding as possible. We were engaged for about a year, a year and a half, without setting a date, which gave us loads of time to just get creative and mull over ideas. Then when we set the date we had a year to organise. I COULDN’T RECOMMEND TAKING YOUR TIME MORE! It means you can enjoy each stage, really plan what you want, make every planning detail into a little celebration rather than just another thing on a manic to-do list!
Make it about both of you. We’re both feminists (obviously!) and were determined that we wouldn’t have family just ask me as the bride about how planning was going, so we made a pact early on to get Boy to field those questions when they came up so people would learn slowly it was an equal parts thing. We were both involved with every selection and choice, and wouldn’t have had it any other way! The wedding should be about you as a couple. I can’t stand this idea of people getting carried away at the expense of including their other half because of a childhood Disney vision. I equally can’t stand the idea of a disinterested party leaving it all to the other person – why bother, then?! You’re a team. You should both be interested, excited, and making a team effort! It also takes the pressure off and brings you closer.
Don’t let other peoples’ opinions sway you. It’s your day as a couple, not your family’s (unless they’re paying for your wedding or lots of it in which case you’ve possibly kind of given them a stake I guess so good luck with that! Personally I’d say work hard, save and fund your own wedding so you can be totally free and not beholden and let them help with nice details if they want to). But interfering aunts or in-laws or mums or nosy neighbours should be gently but firmly reminded that you will need to decide things as a couple, so thanks for being excited for me and interested, but you’ll be making decisions together with your other half.
Plan when you’re happy, not when you’re stressed. Make it a celebration and pop some bubbly, discuss, brainstorm, and communicate communicate communicate. There’s no need to make it a drama. Decide you’re going to have fun with it, and do it.
Include who you want to include, when you want to include them. There will always be someone who might be annoyed they couldn’t make your hen date, or that you didn’t ask them to come to choose wedding accessories with you – but nobody owns this wedding but the two of you. Obviously don’t deliberately set out to upset people, but you are entitled to make your own choices and are not responsible for other peoples’ reactions to them. A therapist told me that once and it’s changed my life in general, but its definitely useful to remember when planning a wedding!
Things not to forget for a seamless stress-free day!
Another important way to reduce stress is to have a couple of sessions before the big day with you, your other half and either the events team at your venue, or the bridal party or whoever is helping you if you have a blank canvas venue and discuss the plan for the day and how it will go from waking up to finishing – who is travelling where, and how, who is starting the music, who shepherds people back and forth for photos, who announces the wedding breakfasts or toasts…? This is easy to forget if you’ve hired a blank canvas venue that needs decorating or furniture moving too – make sure you know who is helping and when and how, and give them plenty of time to get their head around the schedule and what is required to avoid hiccups on the day!
A Master of Ceremonies can also be hired, or you can appoint a friend or a groomsmen, but whichever you choose, it’s super useful to create structure to the day and make sure you don’t have to worry yourselves about directing people!
2. No money no honey…?
The average wedding budget is apparently circa £30,000. We both said up front we would never want to spend anywhere near that on a one-day party. We wanted a wedding that was amazing and the way we wanted it, of course, but we also wanted any money we spent to not materially affect our savings for a house deposit. More just felt excessive for us. If you’re super wealthy and don’t blink at that budget… then good for you! And if you’ve saved that and having a big wedding is important to you, or having specific things that soak up that level of cost, then 100% go for it, no judgement, YOU DO YOU.
There is no right or wrong. But you need to make sure you’re both comfortable with the wedding budget, and nobody is stressed about it.
We decided if we splash out it’ll be on our honeymoon. The wedding is gonna be great, we’re not skimping on the things that are important to us, but you can get all of those things on a MUCH smaller budget than that apparent ‘average’.
For obvious reasons I’m not posting our budget here, and a disclaimer I guess – we’re lucky that we haven’t had to budget in the sense of adding up every single spend for the wedding- we both named a max cost figure we’d be happy with, but have just paid for stuff over the year as we’ve gone along and not totalled it up so to be honest we don’t know exactly what we’ve spent, we just pay the instalments as they fall due, and only say yes to things that we know fit within what we said we were happy with. Plus my mum kindly wanted to cover the cost of our ‘cake’ (it’s not a traditional cake though!) and my dad wanted to cover my dress, so we’ve been lucky to have them do that.
If you do need to be careful with pennies, make a plan, make a spreadsheet and get quotes in early, especially for those priority items.
These are the top tips I have for money saving either from planning our own wedding and cutting corners on cost where we wanted to, or weddings of friends who were fab at creative solutions!
REALLY think about your guest list. Do you ACTUALLY NEED to invite 300 people? Big numbers add up to big costs very quickly (feeding and wining them can be killer if you’re having hundreds!) We were happy with 60 day guests and approx 80 for the reception. Can you keep your day smaller and have more people for the evening? Can you cut it right down to just some close family and friends? A good (although not foolproof) rule of thumb (but it can help if you’re struggling) is have you seen them in the last year? If no, definitely no day invite and possible no reception invite. If you need to cut the list you can also remove people you don’t both spend time with as a couple unless they’re close family or super important to you for a specific reason.
Spend on your priority items but then consider alternatives for other things. For example, our florist gave us a minimum spend of £1,000. LOL. We would rather put that on nicer food and wine than flowers that last for one day (or, even save it!) so we said no thanks, and I’m doing my own bouquet and the bridesmaids are having single stems. We’ve also designed our own centrepieces and collected items over the year to build them with. Maybe flowers ARE important to you and you’d spend double that, but you care less about having welcome bubbly.
Work out if you really want something and if the answer is no, skip it. People assume because it’s a wedding they need a bouquet – you don’t have to if you don’t want to! I wanted one, so I said yes, but Boy didn’t want buttonholes so we said no to that and saved. By making our own centrepieces we’re saving a fortune on floristry. We’re also skipping wedding favours (although we will be donating in lieu of them to a charity that’s important to us called Girls Not Brides working to end child marriage) which can really increase the cost.
Consider your options: some venues will quote you £X for exclusive venue hire, food, some drink and ceremony decor all in, or you could hire a barn, put a marquee up somewhere gorgeous in the country or track down a blank canvas venue and do everything yourself. Both have pros and cons, but depending on your budget, and your team of supporters/the time you have available, both can create epic weddings!
Some items you may want to question whether you need to pay someone to do them, or whether you want to do them yourself or skip them entirely: flowers (can you skip? Get creative yourself? Ask a friend?), food (any caterers in the family? Do you really want a five course banquet or are you happy with some alternative options like festival food trucks, a hog roast, a bbq, or a buffet if you can rope some friends in to help?), cake (we are having a three course meal and decided after dessert we didn’t need cake cake as well, so we’re having something alternative. You might want to leave it out altogether, or get a family member or friend to get creative and make one for you!), stationery (do you need it printed or can you get crafty? Or can you order say the invites, but handwrite place cards? Do you really want menu cards or individual orders of service? The answer may well be yes in which case great, but you can do other things like have an easel showing the menu or order of service and save printing costs if you want!), wedding rings (firstly, do you both want them? Secondly, do you want to spend tonnes on them? Go for it, if yes, but we both said that we wanted my engagement ring to be the star of the show, and I didn’t feel like I needed another Big Deal ring. We just wanted them symbolically and got an amazing deal even though we got our rings designed specially for us – bargain hunt (and if you go to Hatton Garden, definitely haggle!)
DON’T FORGET WEDDING INSURANCE just incase. If you’re using a listed building as a venue check the cover is high enough as damage to a listed building can be veeeeeery costly!
Consider using your family and friends’ talents be they floristry, cake decorating, music or playing an instrument, DJing…
Think outside the box. Etsy is great for crafty low cost things from stationery to decor, or even gorgeous dried wildflower bouquets – perfect for a spring or summer wedding!
A wedding website can save on RSVP printing, and is an easy way to field questions about your wedding too!
Best day of your life…?
Maybe it will be the best day, maybe it won’t, but it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’, it just has to make you happy so you can have a bloody good time together and celebrate your relationship.
Plan when you’re in a good mood.
Allow plenty of time.
Create checklists and a tracker so you know what needs doing, when, and how long before the wedding.
Give the wedding party plenty of notice for anything you need their help with so they can plan for it, be it time-wise or cost-wise.
And stay true to what YOU WANT between the two of you. Screw the huge wedding consumerist industry pushing things on you, and screw other people pushing things on you that you don’t want.
3. What does it all mean?
As we’re not religious (and actually I didn’t believe in marriage for many years!) you could say why am I getting married?
The truth is, we are kind of married already, living together for almost 14 years. We know that we’re in it for the long haul and have known that for a long time. A piece of paper won’t change anything…
But we wanted a party with the people we’re close to to celebrate that, and legal recognition that we are a team. It’s that simple. Life is pretty meaningless unless you create meaning. Sharing little occasions like this, for us, is one of those ways!
Marriage isn’t perfect or sacred, it’s dirty and messy like us humans, like all relationships… like everything great, it’s unique. There’s no one size fits all. There’s no universal rule or law. There’s no magic or ideal solution or special formula. It’s two people working at things, figuring out life’s nightmares together a day at a time, laughing together but also annoying each other, sometimes angry or even fucking livid…! but always ultimately fighting for each other and for the best for the other person against everything else. This applies to all our friendships and relationships, of course, and even to wedding planning… but especially to marriage if you actually want to make it. One or both of you will, at some point, consider getting out of this thing. The trick is never having both of you stop fighting for it at the same time, and never stopping having a fucking hilarious time together!
Ps if you’re thinking omg I’m so stressed, none of this works for me, I’m scared, I’m not doing it right, I’m confused….You don’t have to get married if you don’t want to. If you’re not enjoying the idea or the process, between you maybe you should think about whether its right for you or not. But if you’re choosing to then reeeeally enjoy it and embrace it, and don’t let it become a stressful thing. It’s actually very simple if you’re logical and organised. It is just planning an event. But more fun, because there’s such an emotional attachment and investment!
Do what you (as a couple) want to do. That’s the only way to do it. Other than that, there really isn’t a right or a wrong way.
You’re also both only human. Hera the Greek Goddess of marriage was one jealous, batshit crazy, vengeful bitch at times! (Read your classical mythology if that’s all Greek to you!) Aren’t we all?! So take marriage and wedding planning off this weird princessy glowy Disney perfect pedestal and enjoy it for all the guts and gore (& wicked bloody fun!) it really can be if you let it. You choose.
Focus on how much you make each other laugh and channel that into your wedding choices.
I’m sure there are some corners of the internet who will roll their eyes and say it’s not that simple. But I promise it can be! (Even with trying to do a wedding seating chart for my divorced parents, my ex-step parents (!), my parents’ current partners, my other half’s mum and partner and dad, some ex-step siblings of mine and a fairly sizeable family contingent!)
Have a bloody good time with it kids. That’s the point.
Spirituality is slowly seeping more and more into the instagram wellbeing bubble – I’ve recently heard spiritual wellness coaches like Jody Shield speak at events alongside fitness and nutrition professionals, showing people that spirituality can combine with modern life and isn’t just for hippies in a field dancing naked wearing hemp and sandals.
Former ‘fitness only’ influencers have moved across into yoga, astrology and crystals (quite a few instagrammers, for example) and then there are the public figures like Mel Wells who has moved from food coaching into more of a ‘spiritual wellness’ space having launched her new membership product, The Goddess Collective… Figures like Jasmine Hemsley combine nutrition and Ayurveda (yoga’s sister science)…
You’d be forgiven for thinking this was a new wellness craze! But none of these things and ideas are particularly new, it just seems they’re reaching a new market and being taken on by a new ‘generation’ almost…
Wellness and lifestyle bloggers are expanding the areas of content they cover from fitness, fashion, nutrition and health into the spiritual. And I guess that can be quite polarizing for some people, who maybe don’t agree with their ideas, or odd for others who haven’t encountered these ideas yet.
The Big Questions
Religion and myth have been a part of humanity for as long as we’ve been conscious – humans naturally crave explanations for things they don’t understand and the mysteries of the universe.
I’ve been asked recently in a Q&A I did on instagram if I’m religious, and if I think religion and spirituality can help mental health. I didn’t answer it on IG as it needed a fuller post to be honest, it’s a huge topic! So here goes!
My two cents…
Let’s just get it clear that all of these things are deeply personal and we all have to respect that people won’t always agree…!
I am an atheist. I’ve never believed in a creator god, and still don’t. I was made to go to Christian Sunday school as a kid for a bit, but my parents aren’t really Christians either (my grandmother and former stepmum are) but I never believed in it.
I grew up near Glastonbury and so as a teen discovered paganism and Wicca and dabbled for a while for fun, but never seriously believed in it. Yes, I did a couple of Witchy Rituals following Fiona Horne’s books. It’s funny looking back on it now 🙂 However I did learn loads about the pagan tradition, gods and goddesses in all kinds of different traditions, crystals and new age philosophy, and all that jazz. I first started learning to meditate as a teen but stopped and didn’t come back to it til later in life.
I’ve also, with my other half, rejected a lot of the Glastonbury naval gazing and hippyisms as we’ve witnessed first hand how the lack of responsibility and drug culture can mess up peoples’ lives (particularly kids).
At university through literary criticism I discovered philosophy and found myself to be an existentialist. I don’t believe life has inherent meaning, I believe we create it, and have to work to create it and find meaning in things.
I went to Cambodia and Thailand in one of my uni summers and was OBSESSED with exploring the gorgeous temples of Angkor Wat.
I’ve always been interested in world religions, especially Hinduism and Buddhism (and my mum was interest in Buddhism too so I read loads on it as a teenager). I’m fascinated by ancient cultures and indigenous peoples, and love to hear about myths in, for example, Aztec and Mayan traditions, and Japanese and Chinese beliefs.
I got diagnosed with depression in my 20s although I’ve had it my whole life. I remain an atheist and existentialist, but after years of work combining fitness, nutrition, medication and meditation to manage the condition, I started looking wider.
I’m also fascinated by the commonalities between religions, and the ways in which conquering religions like Christianity used existing Pagan holidays to persuade people to adopt their practices more easily.
So where are you now? Do you believe in god or a creator? How does it work with your rational logical side? Does it help your mental wellbeing?
I’m still an atheist.
I’m still an existentialist.
I’m also a Scorpio with Capricorn rising…!
Do I rationally and logically believe in astrology? No. Do I match everything my chart says about being a Scorpio with Capricorn rising? Hell yes! Do I enjoy it intuitively? Yes. Is that a bit of a paradox? Probably, yeah! Whatever!
In Ayurveda, I’m very strongly the pitta dosha. Do I believe this is biologically, scientifically a thing? No… but I can still relate to it, enjoy it, use it to derive meaning and adopt self-care practices…
Not everything, for me, now, has to make clinical sense. At one point I’d have rejected all this. But I think it’s totally fine to do your own personal thing.
If I had to be labeled, I’d be nearer a Buddhist as they don’t believe in an active being, or creator.
I think you can create meaning and fun however you want. I enjoy hearing about different cultures’ believes, I enjoy astrology, I may not rationally believe in tarot but why the fuck not if you like that kinda thing?
Keats was a poet who wrote about ‘negative capability’ – the ability to hold two conflicting thoughts and beliefs at the same time, so why not do that?!
I think generally religion is two things – a source of comfort and guidance to people (nothing wrong with that!) and an attempt to explain things that science has not yet been able to. If you want to enjoy the fictions to bring meaning to life – why not?!!
Given that I don’t believe in a god, I don’t exactly have a being I feel comforted by, or ask for guidance from. But my foraging into meditation and Buddhism has definitely helped me get a grip on my brain and managing my thoughts, emotions and moods.
What are your thoughts?
Let me know what you think about how spirituality is really kicking off in the wellness field, and share your beliefs and practices if you feel comfortable!
So in this post I told you alllllll about how I had watched all these documentaries and for both environmental and ethical-animal-based reasons, I wanted to try being plant-based.
I committed not to the full vegan lifestyle, but to being as plant-based as possible.
It was amazing initially – read the original post for the energy and endurance boost I felt. Then I had a couple of odd symptoms (not the ones you’d expect funnily enough!) and then it was fine again.
I managed to last a couple of months, before landing back at officially flexitarian (eating some meat, some fish, some dairy but aiming to be as plant-based as possible – so I tend to have at least 2 vegan meals a day generally).
Why did I ‘stop’?
The blunt honest truth is I do still agree with the ethics and environmental arguments, but I had to stop for my mental health.
As an ex-ED sufferer, I was aware ‘restrictive’ ways of eating need to be handled with care. I really didn’t think I’d be affected. But I was. I started to get anxious, obsessively check labels, feel sick and jittery around meal times, and obsess about what I could and couldn’t eat. If I had to go out, I’d worry about if I’d be able to eat anything or not.
And while maybe it’s possible to work through these things, given my history, and my on-going story with depression, I decided I didn’t have to be perfect.
I can still aim to eat as little animal produce as possible. To choose clean, ethical beauty and makeup products as much as possible. To help promote healthy plant-based options. I’ve swapped my shakes to vegan protein, converted Boy to almond milk in his lattes, we’re making changes…
But I’m not perfect. I’m not fully vegan. And while I’m sorry I can’t be fully consistent with the fact that I think it’s ideal to be vegan, I feel the need to be selfish and take care of myself on this one.
I hope I’m not letting anyone down, but I wanted to tell it like it is!
Positive lasting effects
I now do eat pretty much 2 meals a day that are vegan now, we’ve made some permanent swaps, and I’m more aware than I ever was before of the impact of my lifestyle choices.
It also made me make WAY more effort with fruit and veg variation, and getting more colour in my diet definitely felt like it gave my skin, mental clarity and energy levels a boost.
I feel better educated about animal welfare than before, and so I am trying to make more conscious decisions. While I’m not perfect, I’m working to reduce my impact and avoid supporting animal products as much as possible.
I care more about the impact of my lifestyle in other areas and make more effort to reduce plastic and recycle too.
It’s taught me loaaaads of tasty brand new plant-based recipes, and learning about plant-based protein sources has been great nutrition knowledge.
So there have definitely been some positives!
As my nutritionist and the lovely human being Rhiannon Lambert says, we don’t have to label our food choices.
I firmly believe this. But if I had to technically put a label on it to sum it up for you, I guess you could call me flexitarian.
However, ultimately, you are unique and need to do what works for your mind, body, ethics, all that good stuff. So don’t stress! Let’s support each other in making incrementally better choices for the planet, but also support good physical and mental health in others, whatever that may look like, and try not to judge others’ diets.
What about you guys, how do you try to live consciously while balancing your own physical and mental health?
Sorry it’s been a little while since the last Inspire Interview… today’s is completely different to the careers we’ve spoken about before, which is why I love doing this series so much… there are so many amazing people doing cool jobs in all kinds of different industries, and talking to everyone about it is great just for me to be nosey, let alone share with you!
I know law is something I get asked about a lot – how do I fit fitness around life as a trainee, for example, so I thought I’d go right to the source and give you a fully qualified lawyer on how she balances all things work, life, workouts and play!
Today’s interview is with the kick ass Rebecca King, who I actually met through our mutual obsession with KOBOX. She very kindly answered some questions on life as a lawyer in one of the biggest US firms in London, and busts some myths about lawyer life, not least that you have to do law at uni – she did THE COOLEST undergrad degree ever… so without further ado –
B: Can you tell us a little bit about the area of law you work in…
R: I work in Debt Capital Markets on bond issuances (for corporates, banks and sometimes sovereigns).
B: What made you become a lawyer? How did you get there – did you do undergrad law or convert later?
R: To be honest, I just thought I’d be quite good at it! I didn’t study it as an undergrad, as I wasn’t 100% decided and knew I had the option of converting later. I studied a subject I loved but doesn’t have much in the way of traditional job applications outside academia – Archaeology and Anthropology. I focused on Biological Anthropology, the study of how humans evolved – I even met Jane Goodall once when she gave us a primatology lecture. I also took papers in Ancient Egyptian Religion, which I’ve always been fascinated by, although I chose not to make Egyptology my main focus because I’ve never been great at languages. If you think French is hard – try hieroglyphics! (I did. I was crap.)
I combined that with some legal work experience and vacation schemes, and I was offered a training contract with my current firm just before I graduated from Cambridge – they then sponsored me through law school.
B: Can you describe a (working) day in the life of RK?
R: As you know, hours and work can be so varied! Officially our working hours are 9.30 till 6 and recently my department has been relatively quiet so that’s been about when I get in and out. I’m about to head to lunch, and today so far I’ve sorted out some postclosing matters for a deal that closed last week, had a kick-off call for a pro-bono matter, reviewed and updated our internal memo on listing procedures for the London Stock Exchange and attended our department quarterly meeting. A pretty average morning!
B: What advice would you give someone looking to become a lawyer? Any advice you were given en route that was helpful?
R: I’d say that the subject of your undergraduate degree doesn’t really matter but your grades and outside interests really do. If you’re a non-law undergrad like I was, you’ll need to prove you’re serious about law even though you actively chose not to study it for your degree, which can be tricky! Definitely get involved with your university law society early on and attend recruitment fairs and law firm presentations, and apply for vacation schemes or open days as soon as you’re eligible – once you’ve attended one, it’s easier to tick that “genuinely interested” box and be accepted for more.
Also – and I think this is true of any industry, not just law – it’s infinitely better to just submit five job applications that you’ve really thought about and tailored to that particular firm than fire off fifty identical cover letters and CVs. Believe me, these firms receive thousands and thousands of identikit applications and anything they think you’ve copied and pasted will be promptly set aside.
B: What are the biggest misconceptions about being a lawyer that you think are out there? Any myths you want to bust (or confirm!)
R: That all lawyers go to court! My sister is at a different firm that specialises in arbitration, and goes all the time. I’ve never set foot in a courtroom outside of a school trip aged 15. I work on deals, not cases!
B: Best and worst bits of the job? Biggest challenges?
R: I work with some great people! Almost all the lawyers I’ve ever worked with have been really clever, fun and interesting people. There’s definitely a certain drive and perfectionism we all have in common but my department is a great place to be and I met some of my absolute best friends through work.
I think the biggest challenge for me personally is the variability of hours. As I’m in a transactional area, I can have two weeks of past-midnight finishes followed by two weeks where I barely bill any time at all. When your bonuses and performance reviews put a lot of emphasis on whether you hit an hours target, slow weeks can be really demoralising and on the flip side busy weeks can mean cancelling really important plans. People tend to be very understanding but ultimately the client calls the shots, and if there’s work to be done and no one else can do it, you just have to put plans aside.
B: I’ve found that people really stress about training contracts (and I know the numbers are tough!) but personally I found being a trainee waaaaay tougher than the application process… any thoughts on coping with the journey to working in law, since it can be super long, super competitive, and of course isn’t always peachy when you’re on a very late deal…?
R: Personally, it’s easy for me to finish a tough week and just flop on the sofa for six hours straight on Saturday and binge watch a show because I’m tired. If you’re like me – my advice is to try not to do that too often, as I’ll then get to Sunday evening and feel like the weekend was wasted. I always try and spend some time with friends, do a workout class, book an event or, if I am sitting in front of the TV, I’ll work on one of my costume projects at the same time – it’s a creative outlet and making something gives me a sense of achievement, even if I did it while watching Netflix! It’s different for everyone but basically my advice is – if you don’t have much time off, really make sure that the time you get to yourself you’re putting towards something or someone you love, rather than just spinning wheels waiting for the next work email to come in or Monday to start.
B: How do you relax and wind down outside of work, and look after yourself generally? Anything that particularly helps you stay balanced?
R: I have a lot of hobbies and interests, and making time for those is really important to me. I love reading – history, true crime (I stayed up till two last night reading the Ted Bundy biography “The Stranger Beside Me” and barely slept a wink!), trashy regency romance novels, fantasy and sci-fi. I’m also listening to podcasts at the moment on my commute – my favourites include “You Must Remember This” (on the forgotten scandals of Hollywood), “My Favourite Murder” and “The Soundtrack Show” (which analyses film soundtracks). TV-wise I love Westworld, Game of Thrones and anything David Attenborough.
I’m also a huge Star Wars geek and in the last couple of years have got into cosplay, so I love researching and making props and costumes in my spare time and attending comic conventions, and I even take lessons in lightsaber fighting! It’s basically a fusion of kung fu and tai chi, except instead of wooden practice swords we use plastic ones that light up. Other sports and activities I love are Kobox (obviously!), skiing, diving, yoga, pilates, hiking and golf. Some weeks I’m busier than others, but for me balance is when I’m happily busy at work but with time for my interests and seeing friends and family.
B: Best and worst career advice you’ve ever been given?
R: Best: people don’t dwell nearly as much on the criticism they give you as you do. I think particularly in law, we’re such perfectionists that any negative feedback can really knock us. Take it, learn from it and try and move on – because the chances are that the person who said it hasn’t thought about it since they did!
Worst: “You can’t wear dangly earrings to work!!” My mum was an incredibly badass accountant-turned-banker in the 80’s when the City really WAS a man’s world, and any sign of femininity was seen as distracting or a weakness – this classic quote was from my first day at work when I was going to wear drop earrings. I don’t think she realised when I started my TC in 2015 how much the world, and corporate dress code in particular, has changed from “her day”. The fact our firm has casual Fridays continues to amaze her, as does the fact I never wear suits (stretchy jersey dresses for the win!)
B: Do you feel like workouts impact how productive you are at work?
R: 100%. I always try to work out in the mornings. It wakes you up, it gets your metabolism going, it clears your head, and ultimately I think it’s great to start the day with a bit of me-time – whether it’s yoga, running or, in my case, punching the hell out of something heavy to some really loud music.
B: If you weren’t a lawyer, what would you be and why?
I honestly don’t know! I always have loved writing and secretly wanted to be a novelist, but I realised early on I wasn’t suited temperament-wise to such a solitary and unpredictable job. I also occasionally daydream of being a guide at a safari camp! Spending all day in the bush and then the evening round the fire with a glass of Amarula listening to the sounds of the wild and chatting to guests from all over the world sounds pretty fun to me. Having said that, I’d probably make it about three weeks without internet access before hotfooting it back to London.
B: Any role models career-wise (whether in law or not)?
R: My mum! She was the first in her family to go to university and then trained as an accountant as one of five women in a class of over 100. She then went into banking and made way more money than my dad for the first 10-15 years of their marriage (which was very unusual then). She ended up giving up work completely to look after me and my sister about the time I started school, but my parents were married for 10 years before they had kids, so she fit in a pretty incredible career before deciding to make that change. People are always shocked to find out my parents’ house is in her name! She’s incredibly driven and hard-working and is an example I try (and fail, a lot of the time!) to live up to.
B: Fave restaurant in City – any great places to take clients you’d recommend people?
R: I go to the Ned a lot and really like their restaurants, but if I’m not eating there I’ll usually head back towards Chelsea to have dinner. Mossimann’s, which is a dining club set in a gorgeous converted church in Belgravia, is the ultimate favourite – unfortunately I can’t go without my dad, as he’s the member, but I always beg to go there on my birthday! I love Rabbit, on the King’s Road, which does incredible seasonal British food tapas-style, and nearly died of happiness when they opened a Sticks ‘n’ Sushi less than two minutes walk from me!
B: And finally, what does ‘success’ mean to you?
It’s kind of abstract but that little fist-pump moment you get when you’ve absolutely nailed something. Whether it’s at work or not, the aim for me is for life to have more fist-pump moments than “d’oh” or “loo cry” moments.
Fave KOBOX combo – I know you go a lot 😉
Uppercuts. When I hit the bag hard enough that it jumps up, it makes me feel like Captain Marvel.
Pancakes or full english?
Full English for sure, I’m a savoury girl!
Burpee or bear crawl?
Oh Christ. Is Miranda reading this? Bear crawl! Definitely bear crawl!
Nature or nurture?
You can’t ask a former anthropology student that question, she’ll spend three weeks agonizing and then give you a 12-page essay that doesn’t even answer it! Like any true-crime aficionado, I’d probably say mostly nurture. But as a cat owner, nature certainly can’t be discounted.
Martini or cosmopolitan?
Martini – I like a citrusy, dry one with a grapefruit twist. But I’d choose a good margarita over either!
Talent or hustle?
Fave latin phrase from law-school?
In vino veritas – definitely learned during law school, although not actually during lectures…
Chocolate or cheese?
Louboutin or Jimmy Choo?
Louboutin, as long as I’m not walking far.
Fave legal drama?
Does Judge Judy count?! Funnily enough for a lawyer I’ve never watched Suits or The Good Wife or anything like that. But my mum always has Judge Judy on somewhere in our house so I have a soft spot for her.
You have to hug, marry and water-balloon 3 kobox instructors – which ones do you choose?!
Marry Miranda, obviously. Hug Joe or Jesse. Water-balloon Jacob (This is 100% revenge and I reserve the right to revise this when he’s back on the timetable permanently!)
It’s your last EVER meal of your life. What do you go for?
Christmas lunch followed by my mum’s EXTREMELY boozy raspberry trifle! With wine. Lots of wine.
Hope that was a useful insight into lawyer life – Bekky is definitely the coolest lawyer I know. Catch her at KOBOX in City most weekdays 😉
So everyone loves a bit of Christmas, right? Mulled wine, fairy lights, chocolate everywhere, epic roast dinners… but it also is the time of year where you’re expected to see EVERYBODY before the New Year, party every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then the day itself can be a political hotbed of family in-fighting!
Or may you have to do a lot of travelling. Or see relations you’re not hugely cool with. Or maybe you have eating issues, or social anxiety and the pressure is just too much.
I get it – our family is craaaaaaaay and this year we’ve opted to hole up at home in London, just me and the Boy and not do the big stressful family tour thing!
I also used to have an eating disorder as many of you know, and now I’m doing #100DaysSober I have had to turn down a LOT of alcohol at client drinks and office and general Christmas parties over this period.
Top tips for staying sane…!
Read on to discover my fave mental and physical wellbeing tips for the festive season, including mental health, food, fitness, alcohol, eating disorders, office parties, and family politics…
Just say ‘no’ to FOMO.
You don’t have to go to every party. Or if you do, you don’t have to stay until 2am. No-one has a gun to your head. Prioritise what YOU want. It’s hard at first, but when you get used to it, it’s empowering.
If you don’t want to go to something, apologise and suggest meeting up at a time more convenient for you (be it Jan, Feb, March, whatever!)
You can be polite and still take care of yourself. And remember: you are responsible for your actions, but not for anyone else’s reactions. That’s on them.
A therapist told me that once and it’s changed my life.
Make some time for you
Remember to schedule in some down time to treat yourself, be it some time to have a long bath, or lie-in, or read alone… whatever you need to re-charge so you don’t feel totally frazzled.
You do you, no explanation needed
If you don’t want to drink alcohol, or eat something, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. A smile and ‘no thank you, I’m fine,’ should suffice. If people push, you can firmly say you don’t want to talk about it.
If you’re hosting parties, take note:
Don’t ask people why they’re not drinking alcohol. It’s not your business.
Don’t ask people why they’re eating / not eating something, or make comments about them being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘treating themselves’ or ‘behaving’ or ‘staying on track’. It’s not your business, and if people do have eating disorders / disordered eating, this is supremely unhelpful.
Meditaaaaaaaate, meditate, meditate
It doesn’t have to be hippy-dippy. Even 5-10 minutes a day on an app like Calm, Headspace, Buddhify or Happy Not Perfect can help you reset, destress and relax. Breathing deeply taps into your parasympathetic nervous system (your ‘rest and digest’) system.
Take the pressure off
Remember, perfection is impossible. There’s no such thing as a perfect Christmas. People may not always get on 100% of the time. Things go wrong, turkeys burn, dogs eat the Christmas cake… c’est la vie.
Try to enjoy spending time with family, time off work, time eating amazing food, and stop expecting a chocolate box picture perfect Victorian Christmas with angels singing, family looking angelic and not annoying each other… don’t set impossible standards for it to live up to.
Christmas is a time to enjoy food. Enjoy it for what it is and don’t stress about weight. The trick is to try and eat when you’re hungry and not gorge when you’re full, or keep picking at quality street.
Savour your food. Focus on the smell, taste and texture. Have whatever you like – but just take it slow, chew it, enjoy it, and stop when you’re full – you can have more when you’re hungry again! This ‘naughty’ mentality means people binge because they feel Christmas is a free pass to be bad, but in reality there’s no good and bad – you just need to listen to your body and appetite, and not go overboard.
Over Christmas, yes there’ll be more off types of food you’d usually try to moderate better – chocolate and cake etc. That’s okay. Don’t sweat it. Just try to eat as mindfully as possible, and focus on getting those vitamins and minerals in as well – lots of veggies with that roast!
Alcohol… *mistletoe and wine*
If you drink alcohol, try to make sure you’re drinking mindfully and enjoying it, not downing the bottle…! And fundamentally, keep hydrating with water as much as possible.
Ideally I guess don’t drink, or limit it to very small amounts, as studies now show there’s technically no ‘safe’ amount of alcohol, but realistically people will drink, and life is for living and enjoying so just drink in moderation, stay hydrated and be safe!
Just remember, alcohol can make you more jittery and anxious, so consume with caution!
I’m not saying you need to rigorously gym over Christmas, but regular walking and a home workout or two (use this site, or apps like Sweat with Kayla, or free youtube videos!) can get rid of that stress and/or lethargy that can accompany the Christmas period. A crisp, Christmassy walk outside in the cold can really clear the head!
Movement is super important for stress, anxiety, depression and mood disorders as endorphins are nature’s happy pill!
Take a deep breath and walk away from family politics
Christmas gatherings aren’t the best place to thrash out serious issues*. Try to smile it out and not engage. Leave the room if you need to. If it’s normal family annoyances and feuds, breathe deeply, go and meditate or walk for a while and move on. You can argue later when you’re calmer, and not in front of all of your relations and likely to upset yourself and multiple others. (Unless it’s very serious: see below!)
*Obviously some things are intolerable, whatever the time of year. So equally take care of yourself, be safe, and you can and should just leave or walk away if something is dangerous or damaging. It’s okay to put yourself first.
Christmas should be a time to reflect on the year and all you’ve accomplished and everything amazing that’s happened, and to enjoy time with family and friends.
(I’m not religious so that’s it for me anyway! If you’re religious I guess it’s extra special!)
Be grateful – for family, friends, presents, food, a roof over your head, an income, a job, your body, the clothes on your back… when you’re truly feeling grateful it’s hard to be properly stressed, and there are people out there far worse off than us. Perspective is all it takes. There’s a lovely meditation called ‘The Universe’ on the app Buddhify, which helps put everything in perspective.
Everyone gets stressed and anxious, some more than others, but pretty much everyone can relate in some way! It’s become such a ‘thing’ (people talk about being busy and stressed and anxious 24/7 these days!) that we’re all looking for easy ways to de-stress all the time. While there aren’t any magic solutions, there are some effective tried-and-tested techniques, all of which help me manage my mood and hopefully will help you manage yours too!
Zen-up your life & feel better for Fall
Wake up early for a workout. This literally kickstarts your day in the best possible way, releases a rush of endorphins, boosts mood and creativity and is great for physical and mental health.
Snooze & hydrate
Make sure you’re getting 7 hours sleep a night, minimum.
Drink water! 80% of the human body is made up of water so it is ESSENTIAL!
Break free from the desk trap
Get away from your desk at any opportunity you can – easier said than done most days, but even a 20 minute walk at lunch, extra trips to the loo or to grab a coffee… movement and a change of scene always helps!
Get ruthless with social media – detox those screens!
Minimise social media usage if it’s making you compare yourself with others. De-toxify your insta and facebook by unfollowing and unfriending anyone who is making you feel bad – it’s not selfish to prioritise your sanity! An instagram cull can be so mentally cleansing if people’s content is irritating, making you envious or feel inadequate, or just isn’t what you want to see! It’s YOUR FEED. You decide.
Cut the caffeine (sorry!)
Reduce caffeine as much as possible – caffeine will amp up your stress levels and elevate your heart rate, and try to stop drinking it after lunch or it will still be in your system when you’re trying to go to sleep – true story!
Rewire your brain & delete ‘perfectionist’ from your vocabulary – rest is valuable!
Sometimes it’s okay to be good enough and not always work the overtime or volunteer for an extra project. Remember that, and rest up. You’re no good to anyone burned out!
Not just for New-Ageys… the science supports yoga and meditation
Yoga and meditation are amazing ways to promote what scientific studies have termed the ‘relaxation response’ – an alteration of your chemical state that is good for body and mind! They also help build resilience and flexibility, both mental and physical.
Fresh air ‘n’ breeeeeathe
Go outside – even just for 2 minutes – if you feel overwhelmed. It can totally shift your perspective, break up the day and give you a second to collect yourself.
Just. Say. NO.
Learn to say no – if you don’t want to go to that social thing, just get out of it and look after yourself. FOMO is so 90s. There’s no need for it!
Ditch public opinion & love yourself
Work on getting comfortable in your skin and not stressing about what other people think about you – whether you do this with yoga, meditation, journalling, sport, art, therapy, or all or none of these – honestly, it’s LIFE CHANGING. At 27 I had some mega realisations about living MY LIFE and liberating myself from being concerned with other peoples’ views of me… and it is honestly insane once you get there in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY. Obviously we’re all human and so relapse sometimes, but overall… I promise, you’ll feel amazing.
Re-prioritise… the good stuff
Recognise that work isn’t everything. Once you prioritise your relationships and your loves (be it a boyfriend, boxing, or family) you’ll feel so much more content with life. No-one dies wishing they’d spent more time at the office, however driven.
Nostrils, nostrils, nostrils (pranayama baby!)
Pranayama breathing, aka alternate nostril breathing. Sounds a bit mad, but I love this stuff… try it! It works. Go on. Give it a google.
Cultivate curiosity in new things, be it exploring, or learning a new language. Being stimulated in non-worky non-burnouty ways is so great for stress busting and feeling like you’ve achieved something, and re-invigorating your inspiration levels.
So, there you have it, my favourite ways to stay zen while spinning plates (or try to!) No-one is perfect and no-one can be chill all the time, but the nearer I get to 30 the more I realise what matters to me, and feeling happy and mentally and emotionally healthy is more of a priority than ever – I no longer have the obsession with beating myself up about things and stressing to the max… so I hope this helps you get happier too 😉
Anytime I see posts and articles about this I find it SO INTERESTING because I feel like we all get insecure sometimes and want to be a little more confident.
I’m a super shy person. Always have been. But I am less painfully shy than I used to be, to the point where now often people don’t believe I’m shy (maybe they think I’m awkward instead hahaha…!)
Confidence is this weird thing, right? You see people who literally are just so free and don’t give AF and are able to share their ideas, boss something in the gym without embarassment or speak up at work… I’ve often wished I could buy it in a bottle (champagne doesn’t count if you wanna keep your job guys!)
In my first job at Vouchercodes.co.uk, a lot of ‘pitching’ was involved – and I had to deliver the pitches myself. I was 21, super shy, not at all confident, I felt inadequate and ridiculous, and could barely speak in internal meetings, let alone with clients! We also had to present in company-wide meetings weekly, and it nearly gave me a heart attack.
I’ve always hated public speaking. I’d shake – as in PHYSICALLY SHAKE. I’d feel sick. I’d cry on the phone to my dad every morning.
But you know what? Being forced to do it again and again means that 1) I know if forced, I can… I even gave a speech at a wedding a couple of years ago! and 2) where speaking in a meeting of 3-10 people used to terrify me, now I know how to do it.
Practice, basically. I’d practice my pitches to my boyfriend, on the phone to my dad, I’d set up meetings with my boss to practice with her, I’d listen to her and make notes on how she did it… and then the worst bit was just making myself do it.
To help, I qualified to teach fitness so I had to stand up in front of a class so I could learn to do it somewhere I enjoyed. And it really, really helped. But you have to decide to put the work in.
All of that ground work is the only reason I could go to an interview at a magic circle law firm and get a job as a lawyer, because if I’d gone in post-graduation at 21, I’d have fallen to literal bits and been a nervous wreck.
I mean, I’m still an introvert, I like to recharge solo as much as possible rather than socialise, and that’s totally okay! I can still be awkward and weird hahaha… but I got over that crippling shyness and if I managed to, anyone else can too.
So here are my tips! And yes, ultimately it really is a case of fake it (or try!) until you make it!
1. Stop hiding behind the ‘it’s just my personality, I’m shy’
This is tough love, I know. I used to have panic attacks about doing public speaking, and I’ll never love it. BUT if you repeatedly practice exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations, you WILL adapt. Be gentle with yourself, do it gradually, you don’t have to be too mean to yourself. But the big key is to stop making excuses and decide to make a change. The way to start is to jump in and practice whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable.
Set small goals initially. Baby steps. Then as you get into your stride, you can take the leaps and bounds.
Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.
2. Physical strength builds mental strength
Did you see this one coming? 😉 Fitness is amazing for releasing feel-good hormones (endorphin pump is REAL y’all) but it also shows you the power of practice – little by little you increase strength and/or cardio fitness and it shows you change IS possible, which should give you the confidence to keep trying new things!
I did a Kayla Itsines leg workout the day of my training contract interview and it literally saved me hahaha!
3. Re-train your brain: the long bit!
How much time do you spend worrying about what other people think about you? I read an amazing book called The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k and it suggested you have a think about the important things in your life that you DO and are WILLING to give a fuck about. Anything not on that list? It’s not within your fuck budget. Let that shit gooooooo!
How your life feelsto you is more important than how it looksto other people
Trust your own choices and stop talking to yourself in a negative way in your head. Try just repeating (silently or aloud!) ‘I CAN do this’ or something similar. It sounds super American and cheesy but when your habit is to tell yourself you CAN do something instead of saying you CAN’T, it does make a massive shift in your mindset.
Too scared to try something in the gym? Feel stupid, watched, embarassed? Re-train your thought process to be like SO WHAT? What’s the worst that could happen? They’d laugh at you? (I guarantee the other people there won’t, they’re too busy doing their own workouts, but even if they did…) Worse things happen at sea, guys.
The ego likes to try and protect us from laughter or scorn from others, but I think as a result it goes into overdrive and makes us think 99% of the time people are judging us when actually they don’t really care or even notice what we’re doing! Your opinion and that of those you love (and maybe the person who pays you!) is the only one that counts. Let everything else go. Even if the worst case scenario comes true and you’re super embarassed – so what? Once you start approaching things this way, and not minding looking silly, you’ll 100% feel liberated.
I used to experiment with my hair tonnes as a kid, but my dad’s side of the family always made comments about it, and gradually I think I stopped wanting to experiment. I started to think I had to have long hair to prove I was a girl (?! wtf ?! seriously ?!) as comments would often be about short hair being ‘boyish’. As my EDs got stronger and my confidence got lower, I felt like I was way too ugly for short hair and needed long hair to distract from it. How crazy is that?!
So, recently, (and also once a year and a half ago!) I chopped all my hair off again from my boobs to my collarbone, and it’s super liberating… and I now don’t care what anyone else things, apart from me and my boyfriend basically!
Basically, work, fitness, gym, wherever… there’s a bit of work to be done on realising that you just need to go with your gut. And if it all goes wrong and you look silly… you’re not dying, you’re still alive and have soooo many good things going on… so focus on that ❤
Admittedly some of it comes with age too. The nearer I get to 30, the better able I am to shake off anyone who bugs me and stick to my fuck budget 😉
Whether you hate the idea of meditation as woo woo, you’re a hippy spiritual moon-child or [insert other extreme here], meditation has been proven by various reputable scientific studies to have a positive effect on the brain due to its promotion of the ‘relaxation response’, a physiological change in the body as a result of the ‘relaxed’ state.
So. For the purposes of confidence, meditation’s mention here is twofold:
it teaches you increased focus, which makes you better able to let go of nagging, negative thoughts like ‘I can’t do this, I’m too scared, I’m too shy, I’m too anxious, why is everyone else more confident/smarter/prettier/cleverer than me…’ and breathe, and master your emotions.
it connects you better with yourself and your thought patterns, and by being more present with yourself, you eventually come to realise that you’re not your thoughts… you’re the observer of your thoughts. So you can actually create change and not let thoughts control you, but also it should increase your ability to spend time with yourself, feel good within yourself and actually (god forbid if you’re British) LIKE YOURSELF. Like, what is this madness?!
I said I wasn’t going to post about wedding stuff, because it’s very personal to me and my fiance and I are very private about that kind of thing.
But in looking for inspo, especially in the realms of The Dress, we came across a lot of graphics. They go something like this:
“What to wear for your body type:
Pear shaped? Wear XXXXX sihlouette.
Apple? Wear XXXXX sihlouette…”
And so it goes…
And it’s not just weddings. Magazines and online articles tell you the ‘best slimming outfits’ or how to ‘dress to flatter your body type’.
Why am I kicking up about this?
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD WEAR WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.
WHAT IS ‘FLATTERING’ IS WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. PERIOD.
PS. FUCK ‘SLIMMING’. Just… don’t even start.
The problem with these cookie-cutter guides is they’re basically assuming a normative beauty standard (let’s call this societal ideal the ‘norm’ for ease) and by saying ‘if you’re a pear, wear an A-line dress to emphasise your waist and cover up your big hips’, what they’re implying is you need to create the illusion of a different body because yours isn’t good enough as it is.
Yes, this is a subtlety. But it’s there. And it’s insidious.
If they’re talking about black clothing being slimming or horizontal stripes NOT being slimming, they’re preying on insecurities and pushing the societal ‘norm’ and obsession with losing weight and being slender down our throats… and by recommending ‘slimming’ clothing, they’re undermining curvy and fat bodies, and suggesting they too should be ‘fixed’.
And they’re doing this so subtly with helpful ‘advice’ and tips that even little girls can come across in magazines… (during my EDs I consumed massive amounts of this rubbish, and it definitely helped fuel me putting my fingers down my throat… how terribly sad and twisted is that? But I didn’t even realise because it’s the ‘norm’, right?!)
Darling… let’s get something fucking straight. Your body IS good enough, exactly how it is.
If, like me, you’re technically a pear shape (you gain muscle and/or fat most easily on your legs and hips, and your skeleton likely has a slightly wider pelvis than shoulders – so take note, no amount of dieting is going to change this!) and you want to wear a fishtail/mermaid sihlouette for your damn wedding dress, but these graphics and articles imply you shouldn’t because you should be trying to ‘hide’ or ‘de-emphasise’ your lower body…
Now, hold on, you might be thinking… but I am self-conscious about *insert body-part here* and I do want to de-emphasise it…
A couple of things: firstly – that is TOTALLY NORMAL AND OKAY, we all have insecurities. This is about dressing in a way that YOU feel confident and at your best. My issue is with a cookie-cutter approach that ASSUMES you want to do certain things, as this implies that you should, to conform to the ‘norm’, and if you don’t, you look ‘wrong’ somehow.
However, I’d also encourage as a side-note to explore WHY you feel negatively about that body part – chances are you’ve been affected by messaging we’re bombared with EVERYWHERE about what our bodies should look like. When we’re born, we don’t hate our thighs, or our stomachs, or our chest or arms. We get hungry, we get happy, we sleep, we live life. Our insecurities are LEARNED.
And if you work on it, you can UN-LEARN them too. Case in point: I used to long for skinny legs. I’d repeate the 90s Kate-Moss-heroin-chic mantra ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ while I threw up the 1 apple I’d eaten that day. Because I felt like being skinny, like models, actresses and magazine imagery that I saw as a young girl, was what I should be.
Now? I have wide hips, and I have strong quads, and it’s still where I hold more fat and muscle, while my mid-section doesn’t gain so easily. And I am more than OK with that. I love my body now. In the words of Shakira, lucky I have strong legs like my mother / to run for cover when I need it…
You’re allowed to want to emphasise the parts of your body you like most.
You’re allowed to want to de-emphasise or downplay the parts that make you feel less confident.
The only thing you should be wearing is whatever you freaking want.
The wedding dress issue is neither here nor there – the same is true for ALL outfits at ALL times.
On your wedding day, though, not only again do you want to feel confident and happy in yourself (so you don’t need helpful ‘advice’ about what society considers most flattering for you because f*ck the norm, f*ck general opinion, YOU are the one wearing it!), but you’re marrying someone who loves you AS YOU. You don’t need to look like anyone but yourself, or to try to fit into some constructed ideal.
Just wear whichever damn dress you please.
And if it happens to align with the advice? It doesn’t matter at all, that’s totally cool, as long as the advice isn’t the driver. If it’s genuinely what you want, go for it.
And if, as in my case, you’re likely to be breaking all the rules? Well, I’ll leave you with this babes:
So those of you who orbit in the instagram fitness/nutrition universe along with me may have noted the recent controversy surrounding ‘The Carnivore Diet’.
Yup, that’s right, a diet advocating essentially only eating meat (and possibly eggs).
Now you don’t need to be a genius to work out that ANY DIET advocating extremes of ONLY EATING ONE THING or cutting out other major food groups is problematic.
The Nerdy Nutrition Science Bit – why eating only meat is ridiculous
Why? Because we humans need a variety of not only the major building blocks for our bodies, macronutrients – protein, healthy fats and carbs, but we also need the smaller stuff in smaller amounts, micronutrients – all the little vitamins, minerals, things like iron or selenium or Vitamin A etc (see books The Food Medic by Hazel Wallace, Jr Doctor or ReNourish by Rhiannon Lambert, nutritionist).
A picture of optimum health involves a balanced plate, as advocated by Harley Street Nutritionist Rhiannon Lambert – which means eating a rainbow, the easiest way of achieving your micronutrient goals – focus on different coloured fruits and veggies! – and a balance of the macronutrients – palm size of protein, thumb of healthy fat, firstful of carbs (ideally things like wholegrains – brown rice, quinoa etc).
The carnivore diet cannot provide you with these micronutrients, which include antioxidants and phytochemicals, the stuff in certain fruits and veggies which helps influence your epigenome to avoid cancer and other serious health issues.
The carnivore diet is also not providing people with complex carbohydrates, the main nutrient our brains use for energy, not to mention key to the production of seratonin (tryptophan can’t synthesize to make seratonin without carbs people!), often known as the happy hormone, and often considered to be lacking in people with depression.
The carnivore diet is also missing fibre, key for the internal digestive system and weight management, and a critical part of a healthy diet.
“Mrs X tried the carnivore diet and within weeks her cancer was cured!”
“I tried the carnivore diet and my psoriasis cleared right up – nothing worked for years before that!”
“I tried everything to lose weight but only the carnivore diet worked!”
So let’s look at anecdoctal evidence. Someone says something worked for them and people rush out and try it because we all want an easy mircale that provides perfect health – it’s too boring to acknowledge we have it well within our power to exercise, eat balanced meals and control lifestyle factors like stress and sleep!
Anecdotal evidence is an issue because:
They cannot positively know what caused the change without having tested it logically and systematically against everything else: this would mean only having one variable, for an experimental period of time, and keeping everything else EXACTLY THE SAME. Then doing the same to test other factors. To establish ONE THING as a root cause / cure, you need to eliminate the confusion of other factors. So if their sleep, stress, diet, job, commute, anything changed within that period, it has the potential to skew results. How do you KNOW the diet changed things? You can’t reliably separate it from other variables. You also ideally need a control group, and a group which has variables tested to see how patterns emerge, and whether correlations exist at all.
Even if you do test out variables as systematically as possible using the scientific method, you are a sample size of ONE. This is NOT ENOUGH to establish something as true for the rest of humanity. Sample size is key! 1,2,10, 20… they’re all pretty small groups when you think about it!
Additionally, we’re emotionally and cognitively biased towards people we know, so if our best friend says ‘OMG I tried this and it worked for me!’ we’re much more likely to not be questioning and critical and just take things as true, which is an issue!
On a slightly separate note, I find it so frustrating when people say they’ve tried ‘everything’ but just can’t lose weight – this usually means every fad diet, and therefore it’s no wonder! They’re not healthy, they’re not sustainable, they encourage deprivation-binge cycles and disordered approaches to eating, and typically once they’re over people return to their ‘old’ ways without ever wondering if their ‘old’ ways were this issue in the first place! Their version of trying everything doesn’t usually include the unsexy but simple and EFFECTIVE balanced eating, movement, and moderation with treats.
The final thing I wanted to touch on in this post is trolling. Rhiannon Lambert is a highly educated, highly qualified professional, and she came out on social media to denounce this diet (quite rightly!) because it’s making dangerous false promises, not to mention encouraging unhealthy eating habits.
The trolling she received was not ‘healthy debate’ or ‘offering an alternative perspective’. It was personal. It was vindictive. It was unnacceptable. I know that ‘keyboard warriors’ are supposedly emboldened by being hidden behind a screen to say things they’d never say to someone’s face, I know technology ‘de-personalises’ things – but that’s no excuse, not in a million years, to troll, attack, bully and dissect an individual, full stop.
Further, in this case Rhiannon was RIGHT and putting forward a highly qualified professional opinion (although note even people who are WRONG deserve to be treated with respect and dignity!) backed up by PLENTYYYYY of scientific evidence.
If you want to debate in a healthy way, don’t shout, don’t troll, don’t attack. Harness legitimate evidence (so in this Carnivore Diet situation, studies – although there aren’t any credible ones that support it, so you’ll have a hard time), reason logically and calmly, and while being adversarial is okay in THEORETICAL terms – argue with VIEWPOINTS, attack VIEWPOINTS, not people.
Plenty of other nutritionists have come out with exactly the same view, but Rhiannon’s public profile makes her a target for abuse and it’s totally unacceptable.
Are we done now…?
I hope this cleared up a few points on the Carnivore Diet, and why I 100% believe you shouldn’t be following ANY fad diets – as ever, I’m not a qualified nutritionist, but I take my views and everything I’ve written above from my nutritionist who is INSANELY qualified, from other nutritionists, from my personal studies and from scientific journals.
I hope this also highlights why you need to be smart about ‘anecdotal evidence’ and recognise it’s actually just a story and doesn’t prove anything!
And finally, it shouldn’t need to be said, but it seems that it really does in today’s day & age – trolling, bullying and harassing people is just not on kids.
Sending tonnes of love to you all, and to Rhiannon, and here’s hoping that we can share and spread POSITIVITY and arm ourselves with facts and information! Positing new ideas, theories, hypotheses is TOTALLY OKAY but before citing anything as true we need to DO THE RESEARCH!